HOW FEAR SHOWS UP IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP BASED ON YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE

Exploring Attachment theory and attachment styles is a way for us to better understand our emoitonal responses in the context of different relationships. We are trying to gain better insight into how early childhood and developmental experiences impact our adult relationships. These experiences influence our patterns, traits, and behaviors. Let's dive in further and break down some common traits in each attachment style (although there can be more) and see what common childhood experiences might impact us...

Anxious Attachment

• Fear of Abandonment drives emotional responses in relationships.

• Anxious partners fear losing the connection.

• Low self-image and trust issues can create more emotional distress.

Common Childhood or Developmental Experiences

Death of a parent, "neglected sibling", emotionally volatile or unstable parent, divorce, one parent abandoned family, rejection in adolescence.

Avoidant Attachment

• Fear of Vulnerability and Intimacy.

• Fear and belief (expectation) that they will be disappointed or let down.

• Fear leads to guardedness and defenses that can create emotional disconnect.

  
  

Common Childhood or Developmental Experiences

Parents were emotionally unavailable or not attuned to emotional needs; feelings not "valued". -Alcoholic parent, workaholic parent, depressed parent, divorce; higher emphasis on achievements.

Disorganized/Fearful Attachment

• Fear of abandonment & rejection.

• Fear of being let down or hurt.

• Mistrusting of connection.

• Belief that they unloveable and will eventually be rejected, creates tremendous emotional distress and volatility.

• Vulnerability may not feel safe leading to further fear and distress.

Common Childhood or Developmental Experiences

Childhood Trauma, severe forms of abuse and neglect, traumatic experiences in adolescence; abuse in other adult relationships; combination of experiences and fears from Anxious & Avoidant attachment styles.

Secure Attachment

• Experience difficult emotions & distress but are NOT driven by Fear.

• Can trust others in vulnerable moments without expecting/fearing abandonment or rejection.

• Are NOT Reenacting adverse childhood experiences in adulthood that are a source of fear and distress in other attachment styles.

Common Childhood or Developmental Experiences

Experienced parents as attuned to needs; felt safe and supported; have had reparative or healing experiences in adulthood; better insight and awareness into emotional responses.

***Even if this was not your childhood experience, you can still get here in adulthood.***

Summary

We all experience fear, distress, and insecurities in relationships and dating. The key is to notice and become more aware of how earlier experiences drive emotional responses, patterns and behavior.

Attachment theory is an opportunity to gain a better understanding of yourself, so you can grow, heal, and change.

Please note that no one fits perfectly into these categories and you are not boxed in! Even if you do not feel you had a secure upbringing or experiences, you can still move towards secure attachment.

These are also just a few examples to give reference how fears can form in the context of relationships. There can certainly be others, so exploring your own experiences can be a helpful way to improve individually and in your relationships.